I’m not a marriage counselor, a relationship guru or Dr. Phil. I don’t have all the answers to your issues (or even mine for that matter)! I do have first hand experience in my family with someone who was emotionally divorced for many years. I do talk to people every day dealing with brokenness, pain, regret and reality. I do receive prayer requests through Facebook and Twitter nearly every day for healing in broken marriages. I have been through challenges in my own marriage and come through them stronger and closer than ever to my wife. What is emotional divorce? When one or more parties separate their emotions from the marriage. They are physically present, but often emotionally absent. Being emotionally divorced from a spouse is real and it is usually an indicator of serious problems.
You may be emotionally divorced from your spouse. You may sense that your spouse is emotionally divorced from you. Don’t lose hope. While, it may be a reality in your life today, the Way It Could Be is different. You may also enjoy: 70 Ways to Save Your Marriage Before It’s Too Late, 20 Top-Notch Relationship Resources, Get Others On the Hook to Read a Book,and Dang It’s Valentine’s Day Weekend: What every single person should know. Here’s how to know you or your spouse may be emotionally divorced:
1. You or your spouse seem cold and distanced.
2. You live in separate rooms of the house.
3. You sleep in separate beds and you aren’t Carol or Mike Brady.
4. When you hear the word intimacy, nothing comes to mind.
5. You’re no longer physically intimate (and it’s not because you can’t).
6. You fantasize about being with someone else all the time.
7. You’ve given up on your marriage , but you are still married.
8. You haven’t given up on your marriage and are looking for ways to save it.
9. You’re staying together, “for the kids.”
10. You or your spouse medicate the problems with lots of alcohol.
11. You think about having an affair just so you can end your marriage.
12. You think your spouse may be having an affair.
13. Conversation between you and your spouse is nothing more than surface level.
14. You are hiding things from your spouse or you sense them hiding things from you.
15. You don’t talk to each other any more.
16. You have emotional relationships with someone of the opposite sex outside of your home.
17. Your spouse travels for work and you really don’t hang out much any more.
18. You don’t remember the last time you went on a date.
19. You don’t remember the last time you took time off just to spend time together.
20. You don’t remember the last time you were physically intimate.
21. You no longer honor one another.
22. You push and your spouse backs away.
23. You back away and your spouse pushes.
Listen, I’m not trying to make you feel guilty. You may already have enough of that. I’m just trying help you be more aware of reality, that maybe help you know what you can do about it.
Often, one of the parties to the marriage will emotionally detach first, leaving the other feeling confused, fearful, etc. You may be the one who has detached. Your spouse may be the one who has detached. You may have both detached. I don’t know your situation. I do know there are healthy steps you can take today:
1. Know that God can relate. His family has been broken for a long time.
2. Talk to Him about it.
3. Know that you can be different.
4. Get help.
5. Talk to a Biblical counselor.
6. Don’t wait, do it today.
7. Lay down your pride and get help!
8. Don’t give up.
9. It’s too late for band-aids; you may need surgery.
10. Get space in your life. You may need to let go of something for awhile.
11. Do something.
12. Be patient. It probably took a long time to get this way. It’s not going be healed overnight.
13. Healing won’t be easy, scars are real and often permanent. Healing is possible though!
14. Commit to praying for your spouse daily.
15. Ask yourself what you can do to change.
16. Talk about it with your spouse and try to listen twice as much as you talk.
17. Don’t give up.
18. Know your kids need to see a real marriage, not a fake one. Get help.
19. Seek forgiveness from God. You are not perfect, nor is anyone else.
20. Confess any secrets you need to confess to your spouse.
21. What can you control? How you respond, your thoughts, your attitude.
22. What else can you control? Your speech.
Do you talk to God? If not, try it out. He will hear you if you seek him will all your heart. You need Him right now. He can bring life to that which has no life. He can give sight to the blind and ears to those who can’t hear. He can bring hope where there isn’t any and love to the loveless. He can, will you seek Him and let Him??
Maybe you don’t relate, but you know someone like this. Take them to lunch. Call them. Pray for them. What can you do to help them?
Maybe you relate to a few of the items. Watch out! Get right with your spouse today, don’t let another day go by!
Do you disagree with any of the above ideas? What other thoughts do you have?
