Post from Michael Hyatt’s blog at MichaelHyatt.com. Check him out!
What does marriage have to do with leadership? If you are married, everything. Nothing will undermine your effectiveness as a leader faster than a bad marriage. Your marriage is a living example of what it is like to be in a close relationship with you. This is why it is so important that leaders get this right if they want to influence others.

Unfortunately, we live in a culture that is very me-centered. Gail and I often talk to people who are frustrated with their spouses. Most of this stems from the fact that they are not getting what they think they need or what they think they should be getting… Go HERE to read the rest of this post.

Michael has some incredible resources available. The most helpful I’ve purchased is his resource on Writing A Winning Book Proposal.

TheWayItCouldBe.com is a site promoting cultural impact through personal and spiritual transformation. Post topics include family, faith, leadership and other stuff. Feel free to browse around by category. If you dig the site, you can subscribe for free email updates by simply entering your email address in the sidebar out to the right.

Re-post- Thomas Jefferson once said, “Don’t talk about what you have done or what you are going to do.” He was surrounded by many great men, but experienced a sharp distinction between those who spoke well and those who lead well.

His quote brings about a great question: What is the real difference between someone who can talk well and someone who can truly influence others? Simply stated, What is the difference between a TALKER and a LEADER? Here are 5 Differences Between a Talker & a Leader:

1. A TALKER knows how to talk the talk. They can talk a good game & look good doing it. A LEADER knows how to walk the walk. They let their actions speak louder than their words and don’t care as much about how it makes them look.

2. A TALKER shares what THEY think is important. A LEADER develops a shared vision that OTHERS can own, one that both they AND those they lead hold important.

3. A TALKER always has to give input, even if that input does not contribute to the conversation. A LEADER always seeks input from others, allowing such input to contribute to the conversation.

4. A TALKER has to talk about what he has done, what he will do & what others are not doing right. A LEADER has to talk about what those he leads have done, what he sees in them & both his successes and failures.

5. A TALKER has great ideas, great intentions and great motivation. A LEADER turns ideas into action, intentions into follow through and motivation into impact!

In your leadership, are you talking the talk or walking the walk? In your family, are you talking the talk or walking the walk? In your faith, are you talking the talk or walking the walk? Are you a TALKER or a LEADER?

Now it’s your turn. What is another difference between a Talker and a Leader? Love to hear your thoughts in the comments below. I bet we can grow this list pretty quickly!

Speaking of hearing your thoughts, I’d love some feedback through our 2010 Reader Survey if you haven’t done the survey already. You may also want to check out 40+ Great new blogs you should read & the Top Posts of 2010!

Re-post: I’m not divorced but have experienced it in my family and through the lives of tons of other people. After watching my parents and helping many friends and adults deal with a divorce, I’ve noticed some clear truths emerging.

I’m afraid many divorced adults buy into believing that they are stamped “Void” or “Damaged Goods” after going through a divorce (Like in Hawthorne’s Scarlett Letter). This taboo is apparent in a number of different ways. Let’s just get a few of these awkward areas out in the open so we can deal with them!

The reality is that a family entity has been broken, and there are a variety of real effects on you and those around you. What was created as “forever” has come to an end and there are real life consequences, regardless of “who’s fault it was.” My attempt in this post isn’t to get into when divorce is or isn’t ok (the Bible speaks clearly on both). My goal is to talk about where to go after divorce: life after divorce. Here are some realities with a few tips on how to deal with each reality. Life After Divorce(I would love for you to share this post):

Dating Life is Weird. Questions like these emerge: Do I date? How long do I wait? Am I ready? What will people think of me?

Thoughts on dating after divorce. You know, I don’t know your situation. I’ll let you call your own shots, but I do want to encourage you in this: Ultimately, do you care more about what God thinks of you or what others think? While you do want to be mindful of your kids for awhile, at some point you have to move on. You have to accept the fact that God can and will forgive your past and has an incredible future for you! Yes, I’m talking to you! You have to realize that some people are going to look down on you. Period. You have to decide that you don’t really care what these people think and that you are not going to let them dictate the way you live your life from this point forward. There, I said it.

(It is man’s job to love and God’s job to judge. Sadly enough, we often get this mixed up!)

Holidays are Weird. Let’s be honest, holidays and special events can be really painful, especially when kids are traveling around and splitting time between households (I know a lot of friends that have 4 or more places to try to go). Just because you and/or your spouse’s past have been forgiven, doesn’t mean that you won’t have real life consequences. Some of these consequences take the form of pain, some take the form of awkwardness during holidays. You are just going to have to make the best of it!

Tips on holidays after divorce: Start new traditions, be flexible, patient and kind and communicate expectations ahead of time with your kids. Also, just ask Clark Griswold (Chevy Chase in National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation), excessive alcohol, though tempting, doesn’t help.

Clark: Our holidays were always such a mess.

Clark Sr.: Oh, yeah.

Clark: How’d you get through it?

Clark Sr.: I had a lot of help from Jack Daniels.

Church life is Weird. Churches even have classes entitled, “Single…Again.” Wow, really? The heart behind these can be pure but can often give the wrong impression (like you are entering a leper colony). Reality is… those going through a divorce deal with a wide variety of social issues, “Well, now I feel weird around all my married friends…” or “Now everyone at church thinks I’m a reject.”

Tips for church life after divorce : If you feel weird, ask yourself this question: Is this something I am putting on myself or is this a sense I am getting from my church’s leadership? If you are unsure, ask to talk to someone at your church about your situation and make sure you are clear on where they stand. They can help you clear up any gray areas in your life or ministry so that you can heal and move on. They should try to help you find restoration and healing.

If you are having a hard time forgiving yourself, here are some thoughts: Confess to a friend you trust and ask them to pray for you. Get some counseling. Everyone goes through bad times, the wise ones are the ones that talk about it with someone. Study the Scriptures and see how Jesus engaged with those who needed forgiveness (with love, compassion and a call to repentance) and how he dealt with the religious (harder judgement, calling them out, or often not even choosing to engage with them). Memorize scriptures that deal with forgiveness, self identity, etc. This is how you let God speak to you about who you are in his eyes!

Bottom line is to allow healing to begin in your heart. This takes time, patience and most likely some real tough tears. Don’t forget that God is a restorer and rescuer and can bring you up out of the muck and mire if you will let him. He can take even the worst situations and bring healing. Don’t Give up!

Why is life after divorce so hard? I’d love to hear your thoughts and/or experience in the comments! You never know how your thoughts may help us understand things from a different perspective…

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Rewind Post: I’m a husband, a father, a pastor at a well known church, a leader. But there is one thing I’ll never be…..a Super-Christian! Here are a few reasons...

I mess up a lot. Like all the time. I am on staff at a church and a lot of people think pastors are super-Christians. I’m not! While my life is not controlled by sin anymore, I do mess up daily.

I’m not a “good Christian.” I have a hard time praying regularly and usually pray short sentences while going about my day. I don’t know
the Bible like the back of my hand (I dropped out of cemetary…I mean seminary).

I’m impatient. Like all the time. Driving, with other people, as a father, as a leader. I want things to happen instantly. Like the clapper, remember
the Clapper? (Clap on. Clap. Clap. Clap off. Clap. Clap. The Clapper!) I can be so impatient, I think I should have a Clapper for people.

I lose faith. There are days where I have a hard time trusting God. With little things, big things, all things.

I have a bad past. There are probably some people that read this blog that know my past is far, far from clean.
I’m selfish (notice the word “I” in the title of the post). I often think things should go MY way on MY time.

I’m often insecure. I too often seek out the approval of men before I find approval from God. I look outward instead of inward. I look laterally
instead of vertically. This is the root of insecurity- finding your validation in other people. I’ve come a LONG way, but still have lots
of room to grow in this area. This is my number one area for growth in 2010!

I’m judgemental. I try not to be. but I often judge people before I get a chance to know them. This is especially easy online!

I guess the point of this post is to be a little vulnerable and a little honest with you, the reader. It seems like a lot of people look up to those in leadership, particularly in a prominent church like LifeChurch.tv. I wanted you to see that leaders and pastors aren’t perfect, and that you do have to be either. I wanted you to see that in your weakness you are made especially strong, that in your incompleteness you are made complete. I wanted you to see that your worth is based not on your performance or your works, but on who our Creator has made us to be.

I hope this helps! Why do we feel like we have to be Super-Christians? Love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

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We all want to be successful
Especially those of us taking risks
And dreaming for what could someday be.
There is typically one reason most of us do not see success.
One.
Big.
Reason.
Here it is:
We are unwilling to become uncomfortable.
Uncomfortable in taking risks.
Uncomfortable to change.
Uncomfortable in admitting we don’t have all the answers.
Uncomfortable in asking for advice.
Uncomfortable to act in faith alone.
Uncomfortable in doing all the things you don’t want to do today.
So that you can do the things tomorrow that you want to do.
The things you have dreamed of.
The things you were created for.
To be who you were created to be.
So most of us settle for average.
We settle for being comfortable.
So.
The question for you today is…
Are you willing to become uncomfortable?
How bad do you want to be who you were truly created to be?

Re-post: We all know that marriages around the world are on the rocks and ending every day. The casualties are high. When the dust settles, scars take a long time to heal. Some never do.

Are you next? Hopefully not, but perhaps you should make some decisions today to keep from becoming the next statistic. Who knows, maybe you’ll decide to not just save your marriage, but take steps to make it vibrant and life-giving. Are you ready to lay down all your chips to make things healthy or are you still on the fence? Make the choice to be “all in” today.

Here are 70 Ways to Save Your Marriage Before it’s Too Late:

1. Stop looking to your spouse to complete you.
2. Get ready to step up your game; you’re going to have to fight for it.
3. Don’t treat your spouse like your mother or maid.
4. Know marriage is a daily sacrifice, not a fairy tale.
5. Know marriage can be a blast!
6. Pray together.
7. Pray for your spouse; ask them what they need.
8. Ask for prayer from someone else.
9. Believe when you pray.
10. Don’t just pray, do something.
11. Don’t give up.
12. Get help.
13. Don’t just do it for your kids, do it for your spouse.
14. Don’t leave your underwear on the floor.
15. Don’t leave the dishes in the sink.
16. Do the little things to show your spouse you care about them.
17. Honor your spouse with your words.
18. Honor your spouse with your actions.
19. Commit to going on a monthly date.
20. Commit to going on a yearly vacation.
21. Write a note or a letter explaining your feelings.
22. Pray about it before you give the note to your spouse.
23. Work on your marriage; it will not save itself.
24. Get out of debt; this will multiply your problems.
25. Learn to live below your means.
26. Talk about how you spend your money.
27. Ask yourself if your priorities in life are straight.
28. Change your priorities if they are out of whack.
29. Don’t fantasize about other people.
30. Don’t talk about intimate things with the wrong people.
31. Stop being stubborn; you can change!
32. Admit when your wrong.
33. When you are right, admit you are wrong.
34. Quit trying to be right all the time.
35. If happiness is your god, this list is not going to help you.
36. If your opinions are your own god, this list will not help you.
37. If you are unwilling to change, this list will not help you.
38. Put your spouse before your kids, unless you want to be strangers on graduation day.
39. Quit acting like you have it all together.
40. Be real with someone you can trust about where you are in your marriage.
41. Surround yourself with the right people.
42. Your friend that has never been married may or may not be the right person.
43. Look up to those who have life experience and ask them for help.
44. Husbands, take the lead spiritually. Quit waiting on you wife to lead.
45. Let go of the past and forgive each other.
46. Set three goals this month for your marriage.
47. Make the goals specific and measurable.
48. Create a few action steps for each goal.
49. Quit believing things will get better on their own.
50. Know you are going to have to fight for it.
51. Sacrifice something you love for someone you love more.
52. Make your spouse number Two and your kids number Three.
53. Make God number One.
54. Talk to one another daily and often.
55. Learn to really hear your spouse, not just listen. There is a difference.
56. Honor your spouse always.
57. Build trust where trust is broken, be vulnerable.
58. Trust starts with making and keeping small commitments.
59. Be physically intimate often.
60. Be emotionally intimate first.
61. Check your life priorities and change them if needed.
62. Keep your small commitments.
63. Remember the important things.
64. Celebrate small victories.
65. Don’t give up.
66. Get free from addiction.
67. See how kind you can be to one another.
68. Don’t just read this list, doing something!
69. Pick 5 things you can do this week and do them!
70. Ok, I can’t think of any more, but I think you should have enough things to work on…

What other tips do you have? Do you disagree with anything I’ve listed? Love to hear your thoughts in the comments below…

Welcome to TheWayItCouldBe.com, a site promoting cultural impact through personal and spiritual transformation. Post topics include creativity, family, faith, culture, social media and leadership. Feel free to browse around by category. If you dig the site, you can subscribe for free email updates by simply entering your email address in the sidebar out to the right. Thanks for visiting – Chad

Who do you truly listen to?
Those who say
“You must not”
“You should not”?

I ran across this poem
from Shel Silverstein’s “Where the Sidewalk Ends”
I goes like this…

Listen to the MUSTN’TS, child,
Listen to the DON’TS
Listen to the SHOULDN’TS
The IMPOSSIBLES, the WON’TS
Listen to the NEVER HAVES
Then listen close to me-
Anything can happen, child,
ANYTHING can be.

Why is it easier to listen to the SHOULDN’TS?
Parents, are you bigger on the DON’TS than empowering your kids to dream?
Leaders, do you emphasis the SHOULDN’TS more than empowering others to create?
Husbands and wives, do you believe things are IMPOSSIBLE or do you believe that ANYTHING can be?

TheWayItCouldBe.com is a site promoting cultural impact through personal and spiritual transformation. Post topics include family, faith, leadership and other stuff. Feel free to browse around by category. If you dig the site, you can subscribe for free email updates by simply entering your email address in the sidebar out to the right.

Hey folks. When is the last time you unplugged? I mean completely turned things off to rest up? Be honest! Come on! You can’t do “crazy” forever.

So I’m taking a few weeks vacation time. I knew 2012 would be The Year I Get Over Myself. In the church world they call it a sabbatical. It is actually pretty common throughout history for church leaders to unplug for extended periods of time. In today’s world, not so much.

In the real world you could call it learning how to live life outside of work. For a driven fella like myself, unplugging can be tough. We male types can get caught up in work, especially when we love it. Our identity is tied up in it. Like a pretzel. Pretzels get stale fast though, right? When we work too much, after awhile we can’t distinguish us, “worker” and just us, “us”. We too get stale!

Just working is life not life.

We human beings becomes human doing. Quickly we become a rat in a rat race. Chasing for that cheese.

So what am I doing about it and what are you going to do about it?

For me, I’m taking some time off (at the time this post was written) from my awesome role at LifeChurch.tv in Edmond, Oklahoma to rest up!

I’ve had a few questions from friends like, “what are you doing with that type of time off?” Not much really. And a lot. I’m having a blast!

Besides basket weaving, knitting sweaters, thumb twiddling tournaments and tandem bike riding into the sunset each night with Macy in our newly knitted sweaters…

What I’m doing right now.

Reading.
Resting.
Kissing three girls a lot.
Teaching one to ride a bike and read (Meg).
Teaching the other one to swim (Molly).
Being there for my amazing wife (Macy).
Teaching all three that family is really important.
Teaching myself to be myself again.
Prepping for a killer trip to Colorado in a few days.
Planting a garden and eating very healthy, except for some Braum’s (God’s gift to the earth, originated from Oklahoma).

And….

Running some more. Quite a bit on YouVersion.com actually. Check it.
Praying daily with my gift of a wife.
Thinking about buying some chickens. I’m serious. I’m send you an omelette when I get ‘em.
Reading the paper. When I feel like it.
Watching Karate Kid, running movies and 8 Seconds on my new 30 day trial Netflix membership.
Trying to run the thing on our TV without buying an Xbox. Any tips?
Taking my family to church like a normal Bible belt dwelling person.
Getting to know our neighbors.
Science Museum, neighborhood pool, water parks, tennis camp, basketball camp, etc. (with Meg and Molly).
At the Movies.
Other things that you may recommend for us to do!!

What I’m not doing…

Writing.
Much social media stuff.
Working.
Worrying.
Stressing.
Thinking too much about anything.
Answering a bunch of phone calls.
Doing email or many coffees or lunches.

Heck, I even visited Bass Pro Shop today in Oklahoma City, stared at the plethora of fish and was thankful for lungs and legs. If you are in the market for a real camo recliner with built-in cup holder, they got ya covered bud.

Still on the list?

More kisses, reading, resting and hanging.
Planting some more veggies from this seed package off of Amazon. Ha!
Dominating myself playing tennis again the practice wall in our neighborhood. I win every time!
Unplugging.
Mountain biking through Summit County, Colorado.
Succeeding at what rally matters most in life.
Recharging.
Resting.
Relaxing.
Enjoying.
Reconnecting.
Reviving.
Leading.
Surfing. Anyone want to teach and have a beach?

Ok, that is what I am going to do. What about you?

Balance. It’s the new crazy.

Get you some of it and you’ll never go back. At least until your next vacation.

What can you do to get some balance in your life?

What are you doing? What will you do? Please share in the comments! Also, love to hear of what you think abut my vacation so far. Any tips? What else should I do?

Re-post: Marriage is funny and there are lots of things husbands just don’t understand (how the pillows on the bed multiply every year, why you can’t use the towels hanging in the bath room, etc.). To try to get into my wife‘s head and perhaps provide some perspective for the rest of us guys(especially the Hopeless Husbands), I asked her if I could interview her for this blog. The result was 5 Things Every Wife Wants From Her Husband. Here…we…go…

Me: Can I ask you some questions about what wives want from husbands?
Macy: Are you asking for your blog or for your own benefit?
Me: Um…for the blog I guess. But I’m curious too!
Macy: Ok.
Me: Ok, what do wives really want from their husbands?

Attention
Macy: Attention
Me: Yes, go on (Ron Burgandy voice from Anchorman)
Macy: Yes, focused attention, emotional attention. An equal amount or more of what’s given to social media (hint for me). Not just being physically there, but emotionally there. Being physically there and not emotionally there is almost worse than being there all together.
Me: Ok, that was a good one, what else?

Do things around the house
Macy: Do things around the house.
Me: What kind of things around the house?
Macy: Anything. As a way of showing you appreciate who she is and what she does on a regular basis. Helping her on the things she does is just a part . Then doing things that are man things- like mowing and stuff.
Me: And squashing bugs?
Macy: Yeah women take a lot of pride in their home and want husbands to respect that. Even things like you bringing me coffee and cereal in bed. That is my love language. No matter how small things are.
Me (in my head): Score!

Leadership
Me: Ok, what else do wives want besides attention and doing things around the house?
Macy: Leadership- being the compass for the family as a whole- giving direction, setting goals, initiative, instead of letting the chips fall wherever. Wives want husbands to know what direction they want their family to go. They want to be heading towards that direction. Also, wives want husbands to be setting expectations for the family, for the kids- giving everyone an idea of what you expect from them.
Me: Ok, check. Wives want leadership from their husbands. What else?

To be spoiled every now and then
Macy: To be spoiled every now and then.
Me: Why is that important?
Macy: Because it makes her feel special and loved- that she’s worthy of being spoiled. A lot of guys do special stuff when dating, then when they are married they don’t do anything out of the norm. Being spoiled just makes her feel special. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just something with put thought into it.
Me: Like what?
Macy: Planning a special day with the two of you or with the family, or just planning special just for her to do alone.
Me: Ok, thanks for the tip. What else do wives want from their husbands?

Security
Macy: Security
Me: Like financial security?
Macy: Yeah, but really just knowing that you’ll always be there.
Me: Got it, anything else?
Macy: I think in a way it ties together with leadership. In the way that she knows the husband has things under control. The women needs to know he will always be there, regardless of how things go.
Me: What is the difference when she has that trust?
Macy: When the man is secure in himself, that gives the woman a sense of security. Like when he knows who he is. Me: Yes go on (again Ron Burgandy voice)
Macy: Well if he doesn’t know who he is or where he is headed, it gives her a feeling of insecurity. There have been times in our lives, where you didn’t know what you would be doing- but you knew who you were- a man under the direction of God. I was secure in the fact that you weren’t going to do anything outside the will of God.
Me: Like when?
Macy: I knew the day you called me and said you were dropping out of seminary that our life together was going look a lot different than what I had grown up with (a dad that worked for the same company his whole life). But still, I knew you would follow the direction of God. That is security.

Other stuff
Me: Ok, thanks these are great.
Macy: Wait, I have one more.
Me: But the post is 5 things, not 6.
Macy: Listening is always a good thing…. it’s pretty important.
Me: What did you say?
Macy: Hahaha
Me: I’ve gotten better at listening though right?
Macy: Sometimes…

Me: Ok, last request- can you post this on your Facebook page in the morning?
Macy: That depends how good it is. I only post things I believe in…

Ok ladies, your turn- is Macy on target? Which of these can you elaborate on? What are other things that wives want from their husband? Love to hear your thoughts in the comments below!

We leaders always want to do more, be more, and impact more. How to we get there? Less. Andy Stanley, author and Pastor from North Point Community Church, does a leadership talk entitled “When Less is More.” Below are a few notes from the DVD. Less is More!

The less you do, the more you accomplish. The less you do, the more you enable others to accomplish.

Lean into your strengths. Delegate your weaknesses. Instead of focusing on your weaknesses, focus instead on your strengths. Our tendency is to cheat our strengths and lean into our weaknesses. This is backwards!

Only do what only you can do. This isn’t lazy; this is good use of your gifts. The moment you move away from your core competencies, the more the effective you will be. At the end of the day, you will empower more people!

Leaders forget to distinguish between their authority and their competency. One reason we drift into areas where we don’t have any competency, is because think we have to exercise authority in all areas.

Some leaders feel guilty about delegating. Don’t! You are stealing from other people when you don’t delegate. Do it!

What are your thoughts about doing less and accomplishing more?